Negropedia: The Assimilated Negro's Crash Course on the Modern Black Experience Paperback - 2011

Excerpt

THE CLAIR HUXTABLE CODE
Clair Huxtable is the perfect professional black mom. Actually, Clair Huxtable transcends race: She’s the perfect professional mom, period. She also transcends generations: While June Cleaver, Carol Brady, and Edith Bunker may lose potency over time, if you go back to the archives, you’ll find Clair Huxtable still holds up strong. Every TV mom is still aspiring to be Clair. She simply covers all the bases: Effective lawyer. Attentive parent. Lightning-fast hoagie snatcher.

She raised the bar every Thursday night for years and years, and millions of black men went to bed dreaming they would someday run into their own Clair. Every black man under forty in America has used her as a guiding light in his quest for the perfect partner. When they go out on dates with black women, their eyes glaze over as they hallucinate three-cushion sofas and little Rudys and Theos walking around, being adorably bratty and dealing with very solvable life issues.

How to be a modern-day Clair:
1. Date a professional: doctor, lawyer, politician. Income, insurance, and a job that projects dignity and respect are nonnegotiables for Clair.
2. Be independently successful: You want a professional man, but no one ever saw Clair asking for money on The Cosby Show.
3. Develop the ability to raise one eyebrow--it’s the ultimate passive-aggressive tool. I’m pretty sure there are a couple episodes where Clair didn’t speak a single line, she just raised the eyebrow for every purpose, be it warning the children or luring Cliff into the bedroom.
4. Dress in age-appropriate attire that is neither fl ashy nor cheap. Clair was sexy, but at the same time we never saw more than a few inches of flesh exposed. Try to keep up with that, Kim Kardashian!
5. Health and fitness are part of the agenda but should not be overdone. Clair never bemoaned her weight, but we also never saw her coming from the gym.

How to find your Clair:
• Tour local graduate schools.
• Have a graduate degree yourself.
• Be comfortable with the fact that you will always be less put together than your woman. Be a fixer-upper.
• No drugs, no excessive drinking. Life itself is fun with Clair; there’s no need to artificially enhance.
• A small potbelly is endearing.
 
FINAL NOTE
Michelle Obama might be taking the baton as the quintessential symbol of the professional black woman/doting mother. Being the first lady and having the whole “actually existing” thing going for her will surely help her work her way into our collective hearts and minds. But she’ll still need Barack to win a second term before she can approach the status of Clair Huxtable.

Media reviews

“This definitely supplants that weird book my grandpa gave me from the ’30s as the best guide to black people I’ve ever read.”
—Christian Lander, author of Stuff White People Like and Whiter Shades of Pale
 
“I feel like I became closer to the Lord by reading this book.
This book is to black life what the basketball is to a game of basketball.
Read my quote. Be influenced. Buy this book.”
—Hannibal Buress, writer (30 Rock, Saturday Night Live) and comedian (My name is Hannibal.)

“Negropedia is a humorous collection of essays.” – Jason Parham, NewYorker.com

“A group of hilarious vignettes ” – Flavorwire.com

Citations

• Ebony, 11/01/2011, Page 33