How to Be a Footballer

Ebury Press, 2019. Paperback. Good. You become a soccer player because you love soccer. And then you are a socc er player, and you're suddenly in the strangest, most baffling world of all . A world where one teammate comes to training in a bright red suit with ma tching top-hat, cane, and glasses, without any actual glass in them, and an other has so many sports cars they forget they have left a Porsche at the t rain station. Even when their surname is incorporated in the registration p late. So walk with me into the dressing-room, to find out which players ref use to touch a soccer ball before a game, to discover why a load of million aires never have any shower gel, and to hear what Cristiano Ronaldo says wh en he looks at himself in the mirror. We will go into post-match interviews , make fools of ourselves on social media, and try to ensure that we never again pay far too much for a haircut that should have cost ten bucks. We'll be coached and cajoled by Harry Redknapp, upset Rafa Benitez, and be sooth ed by the sound of an accordion played by Sven-Goran Eriksson's assistant T ord Grip. There will be some very bad music and some very bad decisions. I am Peter Crouch. This is How To Be A Footballer. Shall we?